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Where Insanity and Creativity Fight to the Death! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Aaron Blaschke Rowden

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We made the grade and still we wonder who the hell we are... [Oct. 19th, 2009|03:39 pm]
So, identity theft is not fun, especially when you are the victim. Now, to be fair, my experience with this is very limited and so far has had next to no actual consequences, but it still made my Friday morning a hellish morass of minor inconveniences.

The story begins Thursday evening when I engaged in the mind numbingly boring, yet simultaneously bone chillingly frightening task of reviewing my finances. Needless to say, by the end of it I knew exactly how much (or, more accurately, how little) was actually in my primary (read: only) checking account.

On Friday morning, I received my daily e-mail from my banking institution telling me my available account balance, and I was a little concerned to see that it was less than the amount I had calculated the night before. I went to my bank's secure website as fast as I could and discovered an unauthorized transaction.

I would like to explain why this particular transaction stood out. First of all, I make a lot of random electronic transactions in any given day, so it really takes something far out of the ordinary to catch my attention. But this was such an event. Now, it is well known that I enjoy food. However, I only really enjoy good food and rarely buy food unless it meets my quality standards. But there on my bank statement was a $43 dollar charge for Domino's Pizza. I hate Domino's Pizza. Well, that's a bit harsh. I don't particularly like Domino's Pizza and while I will eat it when it is the only thing available, I can honestly say that I have not purchased anything from Domino's since I graduated from college.

After realizing that this could damage my banking security, as well as my reputation regarding cuisine selection, I immediately called the bank. They quickly cancelled my ATM card and instructed me to go to the nearest physical banking location and get a temporary card.

I got to the bank in time to stand in line. After waiting several minutes, I got to the teller window and was informed that I would need to speak to a customer service representative and that was a different line that I had to sign up to get on.

I was somewhere near fifth in line for this particular service, so I waited for a while. When I finally got to the customer service rep, they issued me a temporary bank card, which lists my name as "Preferred Customer" which I suspect will cause a problem at places where they routinely ask for my ID when I use my bank card. After receiving the card, I was informed that I would need to activated by using it at either the teller counter, which had a line, or at the ATM, which had a marginally shorter line. All in all, I spent just over two hours on the phone, in the bank, and waiting around. Incidentally, I could have nearly made back the money I had lost in that time by doing some extra work.

As I was waiting for the ATM, two amusing things occurred to me:

1) Luckily my information was stolen by Cheech and Chong. If it had been stolen by non-stoners, I might have had more to worry about than theives using my account to buy less than $50 worth of sub-par pizza.

2) While waiting I saw a deaf hipster. Seriously, he was dressed like a hipster, which I hate, and was using sign language to communicate with a more acceptably dressed compatriot. Knowing something about hipster culture and their disdain for authenticity, I had to wonder if this guy was actually deaf, or if he only hears things ironically.

Anyway, that was Friday. My bank guarantees that money fraudulently removed from an account will be restored in one business day. but here's the kicker: Domino's is dragging its feet about actually processing the transaction, so currently it is just a hold and, as that means the money hasn't technically been moved, I can't touch it. Yeah, I would actually have more access to my own money if it had actually been taken from my account by identity thieves. Hilarious.
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Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do... [Sep. 28th, 2009|11:07 pm]
This was an exciting weekend. I got a new bicycle. It is a fantastic fixed gear cruiser and it has cut the time it takes to get from my apartment to campus in half. I really enjoy riding the bike, but there are aspects of bike riding I had forgotten and one of those leads me to todays topic:

Some things should never have been invented!

1. The Bicycle Saddle





Look at that. It is like the people at Bicycle Co. thought "Well, we need something that people can sit on while riding a bike, but none of us have ever seen anything to sit on before. Well, we are sure that everything is better when it has a sharp beak jutting out of it, so that's going to be the basis of this."

Google "bike saddle" and you will notice that every page mentioning the bike saddle also mentions other scary words like "impotence", "erectile dysfunction", and "boils". With the exception of swine flu, every medical problem has been caused by the bike saddle.

One particularly helpful site, http://www.jimlangley.net/crank/bicycleseats.html, tells how to avoid the discomfort of riding a bike saddle. The advice consists of helpful hints that can be summed up as follows:

1) Sometimes, trying new things can be painful at first, but if you keep doing it you may get comfortable with it.

2) Consider using protection (in the form of better seat post) to reduce your risk.

3) Lube. It "cuts down on friction".

I don't mean to be crass, but this is serious bicycling advice. I have to wonder if maybe there might not be a better device for sitting than one that requires lubricant and a mature, trusting relationship with one's bicycle.

2. The Mousetrap



Everyone agrees that having mice in one's house is bad. Mice eat your food, poop everywhere, carry plague infested fleas, and, if you happen to live in a 1950s sitcom, the sight of one will cause your wife to shriek and jump onto a chair. Naturally, we want to limit human/mouse interface time.

The mousetrap protects us from none of these effects. If you want to avoid people touching mice, having an open air, single shot, mouse murdering machine is probably not best. Someone still has to remove the mouse from the trap, thus requiring the person to get closer to the mouse than they likely would have if they had just let the thing breed in the walls. Also, fleas only like to live on live things, so when the mouse dies, the next warm blooded creature with exposed skin will look good. We learned this during the Black Death when the mass slaughter of "plague rats" caused the disease to jump between rodents and human even faster!

Secondly, even if you manage to dispose of the dead rodent without touching it, probably using latex gloves, you know that the mouse you caught is not the only one, so you have to reset the trap. How do you do that without touching it? I dare you to put on a pair of latex gloves and then reset a miniature wire catapult with the power to snap an animal's neck. It is hard to do without breaking the layer of protective latex standing between you and mouse plague. All this, and we didn't even mention that you are nearly as likely to accidentally break your own finger placing/testing the trap as you are to catch a mouse.

3. The Grapefruit Spoon



The other two entries are at least justifiable, although far from ideal, inventions. The bike saddle sure beats sitting directly on the seat post and the mousetrap is fine as long as you just want to kill mice and don't care about disease. However, the grapefruit spoon is just a terrible idea.

First of all, let me state for the record that I am usually all for superfluous silverware. I went to high table dinners at Oxford and I know a fish knife from a butter knife at 30 paces. I jut hate grapefruit spoons. And here's why:

The grapefruit spoon is a solution in search of a problem. Most people eat grapefruit just fine with a normal spoon. However, some people decided that it would be easier to eat grapefruit if there were a serrated blade along the edges of their spoon. Yeah, the grapefruit spoon is basically a spife, which is actually a slightly worse idea than the knork, which sadly actually exists. In fact, the wikipedia page for spife contains a see also link to, you guessed it, the grapefruit spoon.


Fun Fact: The spife, also known as a kiwi spoon, sports a blade on the handle. That might actually be dumber than the grapefruit spoon.

While most of us value the intactness of our palate and tongue, some will apparently give all to get all of the grapefruit that might otherwise cling to the rind.

I leave you to ponder what these inventions say about our society and our willingness to put up with half measures and facial bleeding instead of inventing something better.
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Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? [Sep. 16th, 2009|01:01 pm]
When people are right, the strength of their arguments and irrefutable logic should be sufficient to show that. There are very few recorded instances of Socrates, Aristotle, or even Bertrand Russell* screaming like lunatics, threatening people, or shouting insults. In fact, both Socrates and Aristotle were pretty severely punished for failing to get caught up in the lunacy of the society around them.

What all of these people had in common was a belief that the logical soundness, and not the volume, of an argument was the determining factor in what made it right. Yes, this created conflict, but only with those who realized that their dogmatic beliefs were not based on sound, intelligible principles.

What would they say about the current state of discourse in the United States? Well, I am going to take the opportunity to use my Bachelor of the Arts in philosophy and try to piece together what these philosophers might have said about American politics today. Please note that these conclusions are just hypothetical and only serve to illustrate what might happen if a select group of philosophers were to engage in discussion. These are not supposed to be viable political answers.

Socrates

Stats: Born c. 470 B.C. Died 399 B.C. Notable for being the FATHER OF WESTERN FREAKIN' PHILOSOPHY! Also, the Socratic Method.

Here's how it would go with Socrates v. The Entire Healthcare Debate

Healthcare Debate: Unintelligible Babble!

Socrates: Woah! Chill out. What's all the fuss?

Healthcare Reformer: We want to reform healthcare.

Socrates: Why?

H.R.: To make society better!

S.: How does reforming healthcare make society better?

H.R.: By making people more healthy!

S: Why is healthy better?

H.R.: People live longer, and that is better?

S: So you say that longer life is always better?

H.R.: Yes.

S.: Tell me, is someone who lives longer always more virtuous?

H.R.: No.

S: Do you think that longer life without virtue is better than a shorter life without virtue?

H.R.: No, but what about all of the virtuous people who will also live longer? Surely they should have healthcare so as to spread virtue through longer lives! They may be able to make the non-virtuous virtuous.

S: What happens to an apple when you leave it on the tree?

H.R.: It rots.

S: and a sword left in the rain unsheathed?

H.R.: It rusts.

S: So would you not agree that it is the nature of the physical world to corrupt the essence of that which resides in it too long?

H.R.: But what about wine? It gets better with age!

S.: For a time, but eventually the seal on the cask erodes and even the finest wine becomes undrinkable vinegar with time. Such it is with man. He is born a feeble and unformed child, ages into a virtuous citizen, and then begins, at least in body, to corrode into feebleness again. And just as an apple that has begun to rot may still be salvaged in part, it is not long before the corruption of one part corrupts the rest. So too a man who has become corrupt in body will soon be corrupt in mind and soul as well. Surely a society of corrupt men is not for the better.

Healthcare Reform Opponent: See, even Socrates thinks healthcare reform is stupid.

S: That's not exactly what I said. I just said it does not make society better.

H.R.O.: How is that different?

S: Why do you oppose reform?

H.R.O.: Because they are trying to destroy the best healthcare system in the world!

S: What does the good have to fear from the bad?

H.R.O.: The bad can corrupt the good. You said so yourself. An apple rots if part begins to rot.

S: Is an apple good?

H.R.O.: I like apples.

S: Is everything you like good? Do not most men have bad desires from time to time.

H.R.O.: Yeah. So what?

S: The apple is corruptible, but the apple is not itself good. The form of the good must be incorruptible as corruption begets wickedness, but can only do so if there is wickedness within, just as a short man cannot be made tall, or a blue flower cannot become red. The good must not have wickedness to be the good, hence the good is incorruptible and no harm can be done to it. Can the current healthcare system be corrupted?

H.R.O.: Well, if the socialist get there way it will be terrible!

S.: Then the current healthcare system cannot be good, right?

H.R.O.: But it is the best in the world!

S.: Just like the wine I mentioned earlier may be the best there is in this world, it does not mean it is perfect. If something is not perfect, it means there are flaws, and where flaws can be found they must be corrected, right?

H.R.O.: That seems reasonable.

S.: Then surely the flaws in healthcare must need correction and reform is a step toward making the best system closer to the ideal.

Everyone: But doesn't that mean we are both wrong?

S.: Yes. But that does not mean there isn't a right answer, just that you have not examined your assumptions enough to see what it is. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a trial to get to.


Aristotle

Stats: Born 384 B.C. Died 322 B.C. Notable for formal logic, reason, and the theory of causality.

How it would go: Aristotle v. Tax Protesters (In the form of a lecture)

The Proposition (presented by a tax protester who is not foaming at the mouth): One should not have to pay taxes as taxes are an imposition on one's natural liberty to associate or disassociate with society as one pleases. Our founding fathers knew this and banned the government from direct taxation. Modern tax laws therefore defy nature and tradition.

Analysis (presented by Aristotle): 1) Taxes are the primary means by which government secures the funds necessary to perform the functions that society has constituted it to do. 2) It is natural that this should occur. 3) Tradition has been misread to justify the proposition, but reality requires a different outcome.

1) Society expects certain things from its government,among them security, infrastructure to promote commerce, and the protections of law. None of these goals can be accomplished without money. Governments get money through taxation, ergo taxation is necessary to sustain government.

2) It is natural for people to want government. Although the proposition suggests that people have a natural right to choose to associate or disassociate from society as they see fit, it is inherent in the nature of the species that humans are political animals, needing the company of at least one other human to fulfill the basic biological function of procreation, which is the natural goal of all species. It makes sense, therefore that people would congregate in societies to increase the odds of finding mates, participating in the division of labor to increase the time which can be spent in leisure (i.e. mating) and securing the promise of society not to kill or harm that person, their mates, or their offspring. Even those of the lowest intellectual and social distinctions fear exile as the human being naturally gravitates toward society. Therefore, one who has the desire to remove himself from society is acting contrary to his nature and his right to this aberrant behavior must be considered a political right and not a natural right. As it is a political right, its extent may be bounded by the polity as a whole, hence the requirement of taxation, in so far as it limits the right to disassociate freely from society, is not a violation of natural rights. Furthermore, one desirous to rid himself of taxation remains free to renounce his allegiance to his polity and find one more suited to his desires.

3) The founding fathers of the United States may not have allowed for direct federal taxation of citizens, but they did allow for federal taxation of states proportional to the citizens within each state, thus ensuring that the state would collect taxes on its behalf when need be, and the founding fathers had no qualms about allowing states to tax their own citizens for whatever purposes they felt warranted it. Thus history shows that the view of the founders on taxation is not against tax itself, but rather against certain tax practices.

Q.E.D. Taxation is not a violation of one's rights, stems from our nature as humans, and is historically permissible.

Bertrand Russell

Stats: Born 1872 A.D. Died 1970 A.D. Notable for analytic philosophy, contributions to philosophy of language.


How it would go: Bertrand Russell v. The Same-sex marriage debate

SSM Opponent: You are an abomination before God!

SSM Proponent: You are a bigot!

Bertrand Russell (probably a bit hungover after a lively night at the Cambridge Moral Science Club): Everyone, just shut the hell up for a second and we can figure this out like adults!

Everyone: This is important! The other sides is (devolves into intense but unintelligible cacophony).

B: Do any of you even know the meanings of the words you are saying? Alright, I am going to flip a coin. If it is heads, I am going to start with the opponents of same-sex marriage, if it is tails, I will start with the other side.

Coin comes up tails (result of real-world coin toss).

B: Okay, why do you want same-sex marriage?

SSMP: Because homosexuals can be just as much in love as heterosexuals.

B: If we take that as a given, we are left to determine what love means and what its relation to marriage is.

SSMP: Love is an undefinable feeling. Marriage is about love, therefore if people can love they ought to have the right to marry.

B: Hold on a second. If love is undefinable, how do we know it even exists?

SSMP: We can see its effects. People do different things than they normally would if love is involved.

B: Assuming we accept that, which is a big assumption, why is marriage about love? Is that provable?

SSMP: People who are in love often marry. Hence it is a product of love.

B: Correlation does not equal causation. Many people who are in love don't marry, and many people who marry are not in love. The cause of marriage cannot be love as love is neither necessary nor sufficient to marriage. And now you are talking about rights, but have not defined what that is.

SSMP: A right is that which you are entitled to.

B: You are entitled to be married? That seems a little preposterous given that some people never marry even if they want to. A "right to marry" would be coupled with a responsibility for someone to find you a spouse, and no one has that.

SSMP: Alright, the right to try to marry. How about that.

B: Much better. Let's keep this precise. So you want everyone to have the right to try to marry. That seems reasonable enough. And why should people have this right?

SSMP: Because there is no reason not to.

B: Well that seems a little out of hand. The other side has yet to present their reasons. Are there any positive, falsifiable claims you can make for why people should have this right?

SSMP: Because society will be better off if people can marry.

B: Better off? How so?

SSMP: Society will benefit economically through a more stable populous.

B: We could define stuff all day, but I will let that stand as a passable premise for now. At least it can be shown to be true or false with enough time. Turning to the same-sex marriage opponents Now, why do you oppose this?

SSMO: Because God is against it!

B: Why did you have to invoke the big man this early in the morning?

SSMO: We live our lives based on God's dictates and he says no so we do too.

B: Have you ever actually heard him say this?

SSMO: He wrote it in the Bible.

B: But the Bible was written by people.

SSMO: With His help.

B: How do you know he helped?

SSMO: They said so.

B: I once knew a man who claimed to have written a book with the help of God.

SSMO: Blasphemy!

B: But I thought saying God helped you write a book was sufficient to win you over. What happened?

SSMO: God wrote one book and it is the Bible, the Bible says so.

B: I can see this won't get very far. You are going to have to convince me about this later. New question: if God selected people to write the Bible, he must have chosen them because they had some quality that distinguished them as best able to understand and transcribe the word of God, right?

SSMO: That makes sense.

B: But he did not choose any of you for this task, right?

SSMO: True.

B: So how do you know that you understand the text?

SSMO: It is pretty clear.

B: Clear to you perhaps. But you don't have whatever quality God thought it was important for Bible writers to have or else he would, assuming he is actually interested in having any of his words be accurate, have arranged the universe such that you had been a bible writer. As I have said before "a stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand."

SSMO: Are you calling me stupid?

B: Not by comparison to a normal person, but you must be in comparison to godly omniscience.

SSMO: Compared to God, yes, everyone is stupid.

B: Even the people who wrote the Bible?

SSMO: Everyone.

B: So they could not possibly have accurately reported what God said because it went over their heads, and similarly you, who we have decided is not as good at understanding God as the writers were, would similarly have missed things, and so it is not unreasonable to conclude that your third hand account is not necessarily what you believe God intended.

SSMO: That all makes sense, but I still want to believe the way I was taught.

B: That's natural. If I had taught you skepticism from your earliest years, you would undoubtedly think my way was dogmatically correct. It is all psychology. Now before I go on... spying Wittgenstein out of the corner of his eye wielding a fire poker Wittgenstein, stop! What have I told you about threatening people with fire pokers? Well, I think we can call it a day.

So there it is. Three famous philosophers who manage to discuss things without resorting to shouting and violence. "But they didn't really accomplish anything!" you cry. Well, I ask, has our current climate of incivility done any better?

*Russell was present for the infamous "fire poker incident" at the Cambridge Moral Science Club, but it was his student, Wittgenstein who wielded the poker at Karl Popper, and it was Cambridge, so we will have to excuse them for misplacing their manners.
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Off We Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder... [Aug. 13th, 2009|12:36 am]
The U.S. Air Force has a commercial that I find truly perplexing. In the commercial, a group of soldiers are doing some combat looking stuff in a mountainous region. They report back that they have not detected any life in the area. Then a drone flies over and discovers enemy snipers heading toward our heroes. I am with them up to this point. However I start to lose them with the following exchange:


Intelligence Guy in D.C.: "Enemy sniper detected. Hold your position."
Head Soldier: "I'm on it. Copy that." to his men"Move out."

I am not up on my military lingo, so I welcome any corrections, but I am pretty sure that "hold your position" means don't move,and "move out" means move. I am also relatively certain that "copy that" means you understand what have been told. By this logic, the leader of the group is telling the guys in Washington one thing while doing something entirely different on the ground.

Is this commercial promoting mutiny? Is this the Air Force's new recruitment technique: "Join the Air Force, the least obedient branch of the armed forces!"?

Like I said, I don't know a lot about the military but I have always understood them to be pretty big on people following orders and they generally frown on loose cannons (I assume the phrase loose cannon originally started with the military).
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A Suggestion to the White House [Aug. 9th, 2009|10:19 pm]
Dear White House Public Relations People,
I have recently had the opportunity to read your blog. I am glad that you are entering the 21st century. Really, I am sure this is a great way of informing the public of what you are doing and helping to promote your plans via the internet.

I am writing specifically because of your entry of August 4th, linked here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/Facts-Are-Stubborn-Things/

I understand the need to try to refute some of the crazy rumors circulating on the internet about healthcare and any other number issues. However, asking Americans to report their neighbors to the White House for sending stupid e-mail forwards may be viewed fairly dimly, especially by those already suspicious of the administration, who are coincidentally the people starting the rumors. This seems likely to become a vicious cycle as the number of rumors about the flag@whitehouse.gov address are likely to go through the roof.

I might also caution that while asking Americans to report communications that are critical of administration, it may not be such a good idea to lead with a quote from "our second president". It turns out that while his quote, "the facts are stubborn things", is accurate, it also remains that our second president, John Adams, instituted the Alien and Sedition Act, sort of a 19th century PATRIOT Act. The Alien and Sedition Act effectively illegalized criticizing the president, so it is unlikely that people will be put at ease by the current administration using John Adams as a source in attempting to justify keeping tabs on dissent.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful in your future internet adventures.

Sincerely,

Anonymous (Name redacted to prevent a tax audit that someone in an e-mail said you would do)
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And the stars look very different today. [Aug. 4th, 2009|12:01 am]
I was looking at a star chart today and I realized that some constellations are lazier than others. This is not to say that the constellations themselves are lazy, but rather that the people who designed and named them were less into it when they got around to some of them. But there is one constellation that simply takes the cake when it comes to obvious lack of caring on the part of astronomers: Triangulum. Triangulum is its Latin name. In English, it is know as "The Triangle".

Here is a picture:



Fig. 1. Triangulum amongst the better liked constellations.

I will say, this is one of the least creative names for anything in the night sky. Considering that Sagitta, with only one more star than Triangulum, was named "the arrow", I think they could have come up with something a little more creative for the poor triangle.

The Babylonians called it the plow, which is pretty good considering the material they had to work with. I think that we should give it a more modern name, like Atari. Why? Because Triangulum reminds me of the ship from the Atari game Asteroids. Seriously, there is a better resemblance there than Aries has to a ram.


Fig. 2. A screenshot from Asteroids. Or a star chart of the Triangulum sector. I am not sure.
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Breaking News: War With Centipedes Continues [Aug. 2nd, 2009|01:10 am]
It appears that our reports on the death of Gejigeji, leader of the centipede terrorist invaders, was exaggerated. While we have confirmed that at least one important centipede leader was found dead in the region of the washer and dryer, Gejigeji, the most terrifying thing on the planet, was spotted at around 1 a.m. in this reporters bedroom. One eyewitness reports "I came in and turned on the lights and saw this horrible looking thing running in and out of a pair of trousers on the floor. It was almost like he was saying 'you're accustomed to sleeping in this room? Well I guess we know what you won't be doing anymore.' I went to get something to hit him with, but by the time I got backhe was scurrying away and I lost him."

As the time of this writing, Gejigeji is still on the loose. Any information on his whereabouts should be reported to authorities immediately.
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A recent victory on the Malabar front has brought this war within measurable distance of its end. [Jul. 31st, 2009|08:44 pm]
While we are not prepared to declare the War on Centipedes over, it is possible that the tide has turned in favor of humanity. These recent photographs, transmitted from the laundry region of my apartment, indicate that the house centipede known as Gejigeji, see http://plato-4-ever.livejournal.com/5423.html, may have died.

Please be advised that the following images are graphic and are not intended for younger readers:



Image of what are believed to be remains of Gejigeji, leader of the Centipede Occupation Forces

It is believed that Gejigeji had been hiding behind the washing machine after the search for him began in connection with an incident occurring in the shower on July 1, 2008. The body found in the laundry region bears a resemblance to witness accounts of Gejigeji, however we caution that further testing will be required to confirm that this is in fact the centipede we are looking for. But at this time we are confident enough to declare that major combat operations against the centipedes are over and we can begin rebuilding. Today we have achieved victory!
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It's an FDA kind of day... [Jul. 27th, 2009|02:18 pm]
I am very concerned about what would happen if the government tried to run the health system in the U.S. Forget all the stuff about waiting in line for a transplant and dying of the common cold. This is America; we send people to the moon and we could probably create a fairly decent public health system if we tried. Here is what the real concern should be: the federal government is really bad at giving medical advice in any way that is comprehensible to a normal person. As evidence of this, I refer you to the nutrition label on the back of any food packaging.


Fig 1. Nutrition Label: source of confusion

This label was devised by the Food and Drug Administration, the federal agency responsible for monitoring food, prescription drugs, and everything else. The label seems pretty straightforward, unless you are actually interested in using it for any purpose other than looking up how to spell monosodiumglutamate. Let's go through the label and figure out why this is terrible medical advice.

1) Based on a 2000 calorie diet

The first thing to realize is that everything on the label is based on a 2000 calorie diet. This is absurd. The average adult actually needs about 2200 calories to sit at a desk and keep their heart and lungs going. A long term 2000 calorie diet would actually kill most people who occasionally walk around and do stuff, or at least significantly hamper your ability to continue as such. Assuming you are the mythical sedentary female between the age of 19-30 who also has the muscle tone and metabolism of an active duty soldier for whom this diet is designed, it is still worthless because...


Fig. 2. Live video of the FDA's ideal person



2) Recommended Daily Values (RDVs) versus Reality

The nutrition label is based on the percentage RDV of a nutrient. This seems pretty straightforward, except of course that you may need to consume a diet of up to 25% more than recommended but you have no way of knowing that. Everyone who reads that something has 30% of their RDV of something assumes that they can and should eat the other 70% of that nutrient at some point throughout the day. This is not true. RDVs are not suggested intake amounts, they are safe intake amounts and can either represent an upper or lower limit on what you are supposed to consume. In reality, the RDVs are anything but the recommended value. Telling someone the RDV of fat in their daily diet is a lot like saying "You can consume up to 1 gram of strychnine before it becomes dangerous." It may be true, but it is hardly a recommendation. Similarly if I tell someone they can go up to four minutes without oxygen, I am probably not going to call 360 breaths the daily recommended value of oxygen.

Of course the other problem with RDVs is that in addition to being a euphemism for "safe daily values" they do not accurately reflect how much of something you would take in ideally, which is again odd given the name. For instance, a teenager may actually be encouraged to consume 130% of the RDV of calcium. On the same token, the ideal daily intake of saturated fat is 0%, which is a far cry from the "recommended" 16.7 grams per day.

But this issue of semantics aside, how does one find out if the RDV is an upper or lower limit? As Professor Shrag taught me in law school, you read the footnotes. Yes, your nutrition label has footnotes to inform you of what things are dangerous to exceed the RDV and what things are dangerous to skip. Your label doesn't have a footnote, you say? Oh yes, that's right, the FDA also allows for short form labels that don't include footnotes, which are very popular as they give producers more space to tell you which sports star also enjoys their product. If you have a short form label, your upper limit items will be toward the top and your lower limit items will be toward the bottom. This is of course not common knowledge.

3)You say nutrient, I say toxin

Some "nutrients" do not have established RDVs. This is because some "nutrients" will kill you. However, this has not stopped the FDA from classifying trans fats, LDL cholesterol, and caffeine as "nutrients". I love caffeine. It is fantastic stuff. It is not a nutrient, it's a drug. The FDA's own website states that there is no known reason to consume trans fats and LDL cholesterol as part of a nutritional plan, yet persists in calling them nutrients. Of course this is not entirely surprising given that there was an actual Supreme Court case in 1916 involving FDA enforcement of the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 in which the FDA sued Coca-Cola because they had "adulterated" their product by using caffeine instead of the nutritious wonder drug cocaine in a batch of Coca-Cola. Yes, the FDA actually sued to have cocaine recognized as a nutrient. I wonder what the RDV of that would have been.


Fig 3. Cocaine: now available in cool fruit flavors


4) What they don't know won't hurt them

Producers are required to put certain information on labels, but there are some instances where these requirements only come into effect if producers make specific claims. Enter protein. Protein seems pretty non-controversial. You need it to live. However, for some reason the FDA only requires you to print the percentage of RDV of protein in a product if it makes a specific claim to be high in protein or is intended for children under 4. This seems odd. They know the RDV and protein is a necessary nutrient as opposed to a toxin, so why not print the percentage RDV like you would for calcium or carbohydrates? The FDA states that protein intake is not a public health concern for adults and children over 4.

In the country that has perfected the Hamburger to the point that even Hamburg, Germany associates it with us, protein deficiency is not a huge problem, but there is such a thing as too much protein. In fact, too much protein can lead to stress on the liver and kidneys, and possibly even calcium excretion. Clearly protein is something people might be interested in getting about right. Of course they require products labeled as being high in protein to disclose exactly how high, but that is not particularly useful as a dialysis patient looking for low protein granola bars is probably not reaching for the Protein Punch Mega Bar. On the other hand, as long as I don't say that the Super Soy Earth Hugger Bar is basically made of lysine chains and Special K, I don't have to tell you exactly how much protein it contains. Sorry kidneys, but that's the law.

Also, how does the amount of protein in something not rise to the level of a public health concern when the amount of vitamin D is necessary information? Your body will actually produce vitamin D just from being exposed to the sun. I can see where vampires would find this troublesome, but the rest of us just need to take a walk to get this. On the other hand, protein actually requires eating.



Fig. 4. Fun fact: rickets is about the only thing vampires and chimney sweeps have in common

5) Actually Eating Food

The FDA seems to have thought this system through up to the point where it came to actually consuming food. Now we have a problem. With a recommended 2000 calories per day and a one cup serving of macaroni and cheese taking 250 of them, while giving you 18% of your RDV of sodium, which is an upper limit RDV, but just 2% of your RDV for vitamin C, which is a lower limit RDV, one can see how this becomes a problem. An 8oz glass of orange juice hits your vitamin C out of the park, but leaves you with the problem of vitamin A. Also, one glass of orange juice is 112 calories. You are still miles from getting your iron, several vitamins, and are only really on track with calcium and vitamin C. Also, you have used nearly 20% of your calories on a side dish and a beverage. If you add in 8 oz. of steak you have used over half of your calories for the day, gone over the RDV for fats, and are still nowhere near striking distance on most vitamins.

Of course, if you cook every meal yourself you can limit the use of salts and oils while eating more asparagus, but who has time for that? So you either end up eating within your calorie range but ignoring your need for other nutrients, or you get all of your vitamins but eat about 3000 calories per day.


Fig. 5. If it's not technically food, the FDA technically doesn't care

6) FDA versus FDA

Given the above problem, it would seem that the FDA ought to try to figure out a way of making their advice useful. If only there were some way to get vitamins without also getting calories, sugars, fats, and cholesterol. If only we could put vitamins into a pill form. Wait, we can do that? They make them shaped like the Flintstones? They also make them for adults? Someone should tell the FDA about this.

Of course the FDA knows about vitamin supplements. They are responsible for making sure that vitamin supplements, as well as other drugs, don't kill people. If you buy a vitamin supplement, it will tell you how much of the vitamin's RDV you can get from the pill. But there is also undoubtedly another message on the bottle: "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease." Huh? Vitamin C tablets are not intended to prevent scurvy?

Here's the problem: the FDA is the Food and Drug Administration. On the food side, the value of vitamins is pretty clear. But when you make vitamins into a pill, they get taken away from the kindly but bumbling F side of the FDA and make their way over to the scary and incompetent D side. Here they are evaluated on the basis of whether they compete with drugs that claim to cure restless leg syndromes and painkillers that will be recalled in three years for primacy of place in the pharmacy aisle. Thus you end up with a strange mash up of information on the back of a vitamin bottle informing you that the pill contains vitamins, but the FDA does not specifically recommend taking the vitamins. However the FDA does recommend that you consume the same vitamins found in a diluted form in food. This is a lot like saying "I know you have a headache, and salicylic acid can treat headaches. I also know that aspirin contains exactly as much salicylic acid as you need, but I recommend that you go chew on several willow trees to get the same effect."

Of course the D side of the Administration does not apply this same logic when it comes to other medical needs. For instance, if you actually do have pain, the conversation is a little more like this:
"I have pain. Could I please have some willow bark to chew on so as to get salicylic acid?"
"Absolutely not. We do not recommend that at all. Here, try some hydrocodone. It will eventually cause your liver to shut down, but we have pills for that. But seriously, you can't trust that natural stuff. It's all just placebos anyway."
"But isn't it the same active ingredient as aspirin?"
"Je ne parlez pas Anglais."

So the FDA recommends that you do something which is impossible without supplements, but also advises against supplements. You can see how this is fantastic advise. "Please sir, jump out of this airplane. The parachute will break your fall." A second after the jump, "We are not particularly confident in your parachute. Planes are really the safest way to travel." Yet for some reason the average American consumer is still weirded out by the idea of taking something that the FDA does not recommend.


Fig. 5*. To its credit, the FDA did not recommend thalidomide.
*Fig. 5. has been replaced by something less upsetting. An actual picture of a thalidomide baby can be seen at http://engineering.cua.edu/biomedical/faculty/kirtley/synergy/



Fig. 6. A satisfied user of FDA approved Vioxx

As you can see, the government issued medical advice on nutrition is pretty confusing. And this is supposed to be one of the easier pieces of medical advice the government gives. I can only imagine the process for deciphering an MRI.
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Return to sender. Address unknown. [Jul. 26th, 2009|12:24 am]
From time to time I open my spam filter like Pandora with box and read the subject lines. Here are the ten most interesting subject lines and my responses to these "offers".

1. "You can renew and restore your youth condition."

No thanks. I paid a dermatologist and a therapist a lot of money to cure my "youth condition" and I am certainly not going to pay to get it back.

2. " Earn Your Culinary Arts Degree Today"

Really? Today? I am not sure how I feel about this. I can understand that people occasionally get degrees in things like Shamanism and divinity over night, but let's face it, these are things that aren't really hard sciences. Culinary arts on the other hand seems like the sort of thing that one should study for more than a day. I mean seriously, people have to eat the stuff you cook, so everyone is probably best served if you don't kill them.

3. "Open your own online kids store!"

This sounds intriguing. But wait I think there is something I am forgetting. Oh yeah, human trafficking is illegal. The FBI will have a serious problem if I open a "kids store". On the other hand, kids make excellent workers, need to eat very little, and... of course I am not selling children.

4. "About those who suffer from the same illness as you"

So not only do I apparently have an illness, but it appears that my doctor told spammers about it before telling me. Luckily I have about 725 messages telling me where I can find a new doctor.

5. "The indoor doggie restroom"

After spending weeks training a dog to go outside, who in their right mind wants to encourage their dog to start going inside? Furthermore, even if this device were effective in convincing your dog to go in one spot in the house, why would you want that? Dog feces, as popular culture reminds us, smells horrible and attracts flies. This is the dumbest invention ever.

6. "EZ Combs are soft, comfortable and perfect for any occasion"

I beg to differ that the EZ Comb is perfect for any occasion. Let me list a few ocassions when attempting to use an EZ Comb would be, at the very least, awkward:


a) Alopecia sufferers support group




b) Skinhead rally


(Seriously, if you are at this, you have problems going well beyond your choice of comb.)


c) Hare Krishna Center open house




d) Children's oncology ward


(You didn't really think I was going to put a picture of a children's oncology ward here, did you?)

7. "Every woman would ask you to take her body and heart"

I assume this is an adevertisement for some sort of organ bank. This would be very helpful if I ever need a transplant, but it seems that they want to meet you before letting you harvest their organs, and that is kind of awkward. I mean, nothing is worse than have a conversation like this:

"So what do you do for work Liver, uh... I mean Linda?"
"I am a radioisotopes specialist."
"Doesn't that expose you to a lot of ionizing radiation that could damage your organs?"
"I never really thought about it."
"Well that's just irresponsible. What's your blood type?"

8. "What's it? Please explain"

The spammer confused him/herself. I am at a loss for how to respond to that.

9. "Mighty Putty does it all"

This does not seem so strange. Most people would read this as a banal advertisement for some absurdly over-hyped adhesive. But I am a member of the generation raised on a steady stream of early 90's television and which now fetishizes pop-culture references, so of course my mind travels immediately to this:


(The Putty Patrol, as seen in Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers)

I have a hard time imagining Putty being mighty. You may remember, or be lucky enough to have forgotten, that the Putty Patrol was the least mighty of the bad guys from the Power Rangers series. The Z Putties were particularly feeble because, as can be seen above, they had clearly marked Z's on their chests, which if punch, kicked, or brushed lightly with a feather, would cause the putties to disintegrate and become useless. For this reason I find this piece of spam hilarious.

10. "Heavy Lifting Made 50% Lighter, Safer, Easier"

Uh... Physics says no. Unless they are advertising a practical use of the special theory of relativity applied to lifting cargo pallets, I suspect that making the things I am lifting lighter means removing stuff. In reality, I strongly suspect that the people who sent this are not geniuses and I must assume that their method is simply to remove 50% of the mass from things I am lifting and lift twice as often. But maybe:



HAWKING & ASSOC. MOVING Co.

Using an understanding of physics that would make Newton's head explode, they take your stuff, convert half of it into massless energy, move it, and convert the energy back into stuff. It is unclear how this is 50% safer or easier, but it does cover the most seemingly impossible part of this claim.
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A Lesson on Loons [Jul. 17th, 2009|04:10 pm]
So today I learned that my home state of Maine will spend this weekend conducting the annual loon count. Yes, over one thousand of my fellow citizens are going to take to the state's lake and ponds and count all of the loons. For those of you unfamiliar with what exactly a loon is, here is a picture:




Fig. 1(a): Gavia immer, the common loon

Why are we doing a loon census? I imagined it has something to do with loons being a protected species. And deservedly so, because really, loons are the dorkiest animal in any given lake and if we don't protect them they will be beaten up by cool, athletic, animals like otters, ospreys, raccoons, beavers, or even the occasional turtle that thinks it's cool because an otter is using the turtle to do his math homework. Loons are bad at most sports, like walking on land without falling over, due to having legs set too far back from their center of gravity, and even in the flying department they need about as much runway as a B-52 just to get up to speed.

Seriously, when the lake animals go to lunch, the loon is sitting at a table with a duck with an annoying voice, an ungainly heron, and a smelly muskrat. Every year loons throw parties at their lake and the only ones who show up are other loons. In fact, it appears that the loon is such a social outcast that anyone who has ever been within 50 miles of a lake in Maine knows that the loon spends the entire night lamenting loudly.

Clearly this is bad for the loon's psychology. As seen above, the loon dresses in all black and white, like those depressing goth/emo kids.

And when they have finally had enough, it appears that many loons will serenely drift head first into boat propellers and die, which seems like an odd thing to happen by accident for an animal that, for all of its other shortcomings, is known to be remarkably good at swimming with purpose. So we all say "poor loons" and take pity on them.

But wait a minute! It turns out that there is an even better reason to count the loons. Why, you ask?

Because if you get too close, loons will f*&%ing stab you! You know that I do not like to use profanity in this blog, but I think this fact is shocking enough to warrant an ampersand or two. Yes, this is correct, the common loon, the weird bullied kid of the lake ecosystem, will stab you if you push it too far. Moreover, according to Cornell University's ornithology lab, it will stab you in the neck with its beak. For those who are really unclear how a bird works, that would be like you driving your nose into someone's jugular vein. So maybe the loon is not so harmless. Maybe the other animals shun it because they are terrified of it. And did anyone else notice that this beast has red eyes sufficient to make the demon kid from the Omen movies wet himself?


Fig. 1(b): Encyclopedia Britannica states that the Ojibwa tribe considered the loon to be an omen of death. The Ojibwa were smart people.


Fig 1(c): An idiot's rendering of a loon attack courtesy of flickr.com

When you think about it, there were signs that something like this would happen. There was the killing of the fish and other small animals, the increasing sense of territoriality and withdrawing from society, and the fascination with dark colors and mournful wailing. We really should have seen it coming. But now it is too late and we have lakes full of birds just waiting to go Joe Pesci (see Casino) on whoever dares tread too close.

Ultimately, I think this justifies the loon census. We need to know how many of these neck stabbing psycho birds there are in the state. It is not a matter of conservation, it is a matter of public safety.
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And the whole world has to answer right now... who's bad? [Jun. 26th, 2009|12:21 pm]
Ed MacMahon, Farah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson have all passed away in the past few days. This is a bit shocking as each was a cultural icon, informing the sense of American identity for he past few decades. Without Ed MacMahon, my hopes for a giant check being delivered to Wall Street by someone other than Tim Geithner are dashed. At her peak, Farah Fawcett was the definition of beauty and class. Apparently her famous swim suit poster is the number one selling pin-up of all time. Modern "sex symbols" would do well to take a cue from her.

And then there is Michael Jackson. There is perhaps no one that has caused more schizophrenia in the American imagination than Michael Jackson. On the one hand, he was probably one of weirdest celebrities ever. Almost everyone can appreciate a Michael Jackson joke and his exploits and there aftermaths have really created the mould for other celebrity scandals. On the other hand, no one could dance like Michael Jackson. No one. Watching Michael Jackson dance is a surreal experience. Were I not fully aware that most of his best stuff was produced between 1979-1993, I would be convinced that the Michael Jackson in videos like Thriller and Bad were computer animated figures. There is no question about how he captured the world. Every pop star after Michael Jackson has been trying to do what he did (minus the creepy bit with sleeping in beds with small boys).

However, this leads to an interesting question. If the King of Pop is dead, how is the next Monarch of Pop chosen? There appears to be some sort of power vacuum, and there needs to be a systematic line of succession to the Throne of Pop. I propose, therefore that we, the consumers of pop music, adopt the following Succession Act, and its appendices, in order to ease the transition and avert the possibility of war between the pop nobility.

The Act of Succession

1. The Monarchy of Pop, being necessary to secure peace and ensure standards amongst popular music, must be preserved through systematic transfers of the regal personage of Pop.

2. To that end, the following rule shall apply:

The King of Pop shall be the most culturally relevant musical descendant of Marvin Gaye, the last Elector of Motown.

3. The King of Pop shall lay no claim to the Crown of Rock through the House of Presley.

4. The King of Pop shall be formally styled as "His Majesty, [name], King of Pop, Soul, Dance and his other realms, Grand Duke of Superbowl Half-Time Shows, Defender of Popular Culture, and Grand Marshall of the Order of the Gramaphone Award Winners."

Appendix 1: Explanation of Line of Succession to Michael Jackson

Marvin Gaye worked with Diana Ross, the Grand Duchess of Soul, who, after being told of the Jacksons by Gladys Knight, the prophetess of Pop, worked with the Jackson 5 as their patroness, and with Michael Jackson singularly. Hence the Jackson Family became part of Pop nobility and Michael was able to lay unchallenged claim to the title of King of Pop. Incidentally, Tito has been styled Viscount of Pop since his brother's ascension, though this rarely comes up in public.

Appendix 2: Line of Succession after Michael

Michael Jackson has left no heir apparent to his throne, the most high profile of his associates being Paul McCartney, Emperor of British Rock, hence the line of succession reverts to the remaining Jacksons, among whom the most influential is Janet Jackson, Princess of Pop. However, as Janet cannot rightly be made King of Pop, she is now the Elector of Pop, and the Crown ought to go to the most high profile of Janet's collaborators, Justin Timberlake.

Thus it is resolved that Justin Timberlake shall be the new King of Pop.
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Round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'Drink Me' beautifully printed on it [Jun. 14th, 2009|09:21 pm]
Today I had a small but exciting adventure. It was a lovely day here in D.C. and I decided to venture the walk from my apartment in the "Near Northeast" part of Capitol Hill to the far western side of the city. While on my way, I stopped at the Georgetown Flea Market and rummaged through various odds and ends. While looking through a box of old medical bottles of every variety, I came across a particular oddity: a clear glass bottle with "A.S. Hinds" and "Portland, Me. U.S.A." in relief in the glass as well as the A.S. Hinds Co. logo. While perhaps not a particularly interesting specimen to most (for instance, the gentleman selling the bottles had no idea what the A.S. Hinds Co. was), I was elated to find this bottle amongst the stuff at the market.

The reason for my excitement was that I had spent the summers of 2004-2007 as a staff member at Camp William Hinds in Raymond, Maine. As you may have guessed by this point, William Hinds was a direct descendant of A.S. Hinds. In the 1920s, After William's unfortunate death at the age of seven due to a traffic accident while playing in the street, his father Charles, then owner of the A.S. Hinds Co. operation (part of another drug company by then), donated the land for Camp Hinds to the then emerging Boy Scouts program in southern Maine, in order to create a lasting memorial to his son and to ensure that young boys would have a safe place to play. I explained the history of the A.S. Hinds Co. as it related to the camp to the man selling the bottle and he agreed to sell me the bottle for $10 rather than the $22 he originally wanted.

I now plan to research the age of the bottle, which initial searches seem to place between 70-80 years, and then write up a brief history of the Hinds Co., the facts I learn about this bottle, as well as this story of its re-discovery and donate it to Camp William Hinds to display in their museum along with other Hinds and scouting artifacts.

Here are some pictures of the bottle:











N.B. I have reason to believe that the residue visible on the interior of the bottle is the remains of A.S. Hinds Honey and Almond Cream, which was their most popular product and remained on the market until 1948, 41 years after A.S. Hinds Co. was bought and began being phased out.
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The Powers of Ten Compel You! [May. 7th, 2009|12:27 am]
Today I noticed the following link to an article on the BBC news service: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8036396.stm. The article is very interesting and posits that as recently as 8,000 years ago there may have been a separate species of small humans, which researchers are jokingly referring to as "hobbits".

My purpose in writing about this article is not to point out how much damage this would do to certain unscientific notions about the origin of humans. That gloating I can save for now. However, if one reads this article one may notice something that I noticed in the first paragraph:

""The 3ft (one metre) tall, 30kg (65lbs) humans roamed the Indonesian island of Flores, perhaps up to 8,000 years ago."

What is so odd about this? Well, feet are imperial (or 'standard' for those of yanks with more Whig tendencies) units, while kilograms are a metric unit. However, the BBC seems to think that it is reasonable to assume that if you can visualize three feet without the help of the parenthetical text, then you probably also have some basis for understanding what 30 kilos is equal to.

Now I don't want to speak for the average BBC news reader, but my exposure to the Colombian cocaine import trade is sufficiently limited that I am not used to dealing with kilos as a unit of measure, especially not when feet are also involved. Furthermore, the British use pounds, and if you get enough pounds something called a stone, to measure weight, so they can't even say that I am a stupid American who doesn't know the metric system.

I will say it for them: I am a stupid American who doesn't know the metric system. Well, I am a reasonably intelligent American who doesn't know the metric system. Which is not to say that I don't know how many centigrams are in a kilogram (100,000), but rather that I have no real world anchor in my mind to let me know what a gram is. This is a real shame.

On the other hand, I really don't know the imperial system that well either. Pretty much everytime I want to make something that requires more than a teaspoon of an ingredient, I have to take out every measuring implement I own and use one to fill the next biggest one until I know how many teaspoons fill my one-half hogshead Pyrex measuring cup. Of course everyone knows that it is 6 firkins to a hogshead, 2 pins to a firkin, 4.5 gallons to a pin, four quarts to a gallon, 2 pints to a quart, 2 cups to a pint, 16 tablespoons to a cup, and 3 teaspoons to a tablespoon, making the grand total (3*16*2^3*4*4.5*6)/2 = 20,736 tsp. Easy. I can see why we keep this system. Next I will demonstrate how hectares divide evenly in acres, assuming both are measures of area.

If one were to do the same calculation using the very confusing metric system like those poor souls in, well, everywhere that isn't the U.S. and U.K. have to do it, this is what would happen. A half hogshead is called 122.8 litres there. But what if you only have a centiliter measuring implement? How many centiliters would it take to equal 122.8 litres? Well, it would take 12,280 centilitres.

For those of you trying to recreate my math at home, you may have noticed that I just moved the decimal place a little bit and got pretty much the same number I had last time multiplied by a few factors of ten. I know this system does not create as much of an opportunity for your junior high math teacher who insisted you would use higher math skills every day to be right, but it is a lot easier to work with.

Another argument for the metric system is that the basic units, i.e. the meter, are actually based on something constant. Apparently this is the standard for distance measure: "the metre is the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299 792 458 of a second." While this may sound arbitrary and difficult to understand, consider the following : a) you will never, in your life, be asked to calculate the meter in terms of the motion of light, and b) when the nations of the Commonwealth and the U.S. got sick of having to measure the king's foot every time they wanted to draw an ordinance map, they decided to standardize the yard, and therefore the foot and mile, by defining the yard as being exactly 0.9144 meters. Yes, the modern definition of the foot is established in terms of meters, so even if one thinks that the unchanging motion of light is somehow more arbitrary than basing measurement off of the foot of one's king, the foot is defined in terms of meters anyway.

The metric system is long overdue. One last argument in its favor: doesn't doing 100km/h just sound cooler than doing 60 m.p.h?

Editorial Note and New Content

The following explanation of the British mixed use of Imperial and metric units was provided by a reader and good friend of mine who is actually British:

"In order to make trade easier with the EU and to fulfill some of the integration requirements, Britain has changed some of its measurements to metric systems, while preserving the imperial system for others. Height, distance, and speed all remain imperial but weight and volume are now metric, with the exception of beer in pubs (which still is provided in pints, but if you buy it in the supermarket it is labeled in litres). This is especially the case of goods (so food has all been relabeled), but most British people still weigh themselves in pounds and stones (14 pounds to the stone). The more you know."
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A Modern Minute Man... [Apr. 23rd, 2009|06:16 pm]
So my title wasn't a song title or lyrics today. Oh well. Today has been a good day for recharging my blogging batteries.

I want to start with an apology. After a break from it, I will be returning to political stuff today. Mainly because there actually is important political stuff going on. One such important thing is the same-sex marriage debate currently ongoing in Maine. Of course this means that people are gearing up for an Armaggedon-style conflict for the soul of civilization itself. People who know me know that I support equal marriage rights because 1) its the right thing to do, and 2) I plan to make a good profit performing civil marriages for everyone who wants to come to Maine to get married. As much as I support marriage equality, the amount of my political speech consumed by the issue was about 1 percent. Now I would estimate it gets about 25 percent, but once the issue is resolved, I suspect I will speak of it about as often as I talk about other marriages. However, some people apparently spend a lot of time talking about the issue. In fact, some people spend an amount of time bordering on the obsessive on this. Oddly, the people who seem to spend the most time thinking about it are the people who seem to like it the least.

One such man is Michael Heath, who is the head of the Maine Family Policy Council, a self-described "Christian" organization that promotes "family values" like political lobbying, fear-mongering, and good old fashioned judging. Mr. Heath apparently discovered the internet at some point in the recent past and started his own blog. It is available at http://www.mikeheath.blogspot.com/. I would never say that anyone should check it out, but in the interest of not getting sued for libel by this guy, I provide it so that people might make their own judgments about my characterization of Mr. Heath.

Mr. Heath seems to have an unnatural and abominable attraction to the issue of same-sex marriage (as well as a very active imagination about the exciting things people who aren't him are doing in bed). Although Mr. Heath states that he is a Christian, Christianity receives only 2 dedicated blog posts, while a full 7 posts are dedicated to issues relating to sexual orientation. While I am not a theologian, I think it is safe to say that this is significantly more direct references to homosexuality than Jesus ever made. What would Jesus blog, Mr. Heath?

Anyway, I do not intend to pick apart the logic of his arguments here, as that would be boring. Rather I intend to point out a quote from a post he made regarding sex: "Oh sure, it's fun. But it doesn't last for long."

I am trying to be rational and mature about this quote. Really, I will take a deep breath and count backward from 10...9...8...7...>cough<...6...>sputter<...fii.... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! So, to paraphrase a certain class of pharmaceutical ad, if you have an erection lasting longer than four minutes, and you are a self-righteous jackass, call a physician immediately.

Okay, I know that Mr. Heath considers this a degenerate age of vice and villainy, and clearly anyone who knows anything about sex cannot be one of God's favored children, but the man seriously needs to hire an editor who knows why that quote is not something you want to broadcast on the internet.

For those of you who believe that my taking this quote out of context is unfair, I can assure you that the paragraph it is in does not make it a lot better. Here it is:

"Eliminating rules compromises love, stability and romance. Biology isn't enough. Sex is first of all spiritual, then it is physical. If we reverse the order we destroy both love and sex. Oh sure, it's fun. But it doesn't last for long."

Also, in case you want to find a way of saving your youngsters from the degeneracy of modern culture, Mr. Heath knows exactly what to do:

"Strong and loving parents will either homeschool, or use a local private school, hopefully Christian."

Of course they will. It is only natural that parents who are both working, possibly more than one shift per day, will find time to quit their jobs and teach their children. And parents that can't afford to quit their jobs will always be able to find the money to send their kids to a private school. These are perfectly reasonable alternatives, especially if you have more than one kid.

What loving parent, heedless of their own occupation and talents, would ever want to send their child to a public school with certified teachers when teaching them oneself is an option? I agree that private schools are a good alternative to public schools, but how can anyone, especially a supposed Christian, suggest that the measure of being a loving parent is sending a child to a private school when doing so is an unconscionable expense? Mr. Heath ought to be ashamed for passing judgment on parents because their "choice" of school.

Anyway, Mr. Heath's opinions are so detached from reality as to be laughable.

Now on to a wholly unrelated issue.

Apparently Venezuela has decided to celebrate Earth Day by having fully government-owned petroleum company Citgo give some land for conservation. The land in question is Petts Island, which will be ceded to the State of New Jersey. I can see how it is a major win for the environment to go from being owned by a petroleum company to being owned by the petrochemical capital of the world. Maybe next year Chavez will personally play the captain in the Venezuelan awareness-raising re-enactment of the Exxon-Valdez incident.
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A Long Long Time Ago, I Can Still Remember... [Apr. 14th, 2009|09:39 am]
Narrator (voiced by William Conrad): When we last left our hero, he was working hard on his law studies. But thanks to the machinations of villains Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, he now seems to be side-tracked. We join him now as he writes a blog post in class.

----------------------------------------
I am convinced that my level of productivity will suffer in the coming days and it is all because of <bad Russian accent> moose and squirrel.

That's right, like Boris Badenov, the comedic communist villain of the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, I too shall have my ambitions thwarted by the bumbling moose and his flying friend. Why you ask?

Last night I thought it would be fun to see what was new on hulu, when I ran across their new cache of Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. I used to love watching this show when it was in syndication through most of the late 80's and early 90's. I even liked the 2000 movie version featuring the Wassamatta U. marching band. One thing I never quite liked though was that I could never manage to watch the episodes in order so as to follow the thin plot lines that tied the Rocky and Bullwinkle shorts together and gave each season some cohesion.

Thanks to hulu, this problem is now solved. I watched the first episode at 1 a.m. yesterday, and I must say, I don't think I ever saw the first episode before. I learned so many things, like why Boris and Natasha are chasing "moose and squirrel" all the time.

I also got to see the first of Mr. Peabody's Improbable Histories. For those of you who are unaware or don't remember, Mr. Peabody is the talking genius dog who travels in time with his boy Sherman to witness, and often correct, history's greatest moments. I always thought this bit was quite clever, but I never understood what the premise of the entire thing was. Why, for instance, would a talking dog who built the WABAC time-machine, be dependent on a fairly normal child? I now have the answer.

It turns out, Sherman is Peabody's adopted son and is dependent on Peabody for his support. Peabody himself is quite well off, having graduated from Harvard, held a post in the Foreign Service, and done research for the federal government. This pilot episode also suggests that he is well connected in D.C. and may even know the president.

Mr. Peabody also appears to be a bit of a misanthrope, stating the Sherman is not really what he was looking for in a child, and at one point indicating that he took it as a compliment, and a reason to be considered a fit parent, that the attorney opposing his adoption of Sherman does not consider Peabody to be a person (read human). Overall, the character of Peabody is shockingly brilliantly written and it was a pleasure to watch it again after several years. Who knows what things I will find as I re-watch this classic show?
-------------------------------
Narrator: Meanwhile, far behind the Iron Curtain in the land of Pottsylvania...
Boris: Yes, usink the hulu vebsite, ve vill be makink American student dumb as moose.
Natasha: But vy, Borchik? Vhat is purpose of plan?
Boris: Is brilliant plan. Vill make fearless leader wery proud.
Narrator: What is Badenov's brilliant plan? Will our hero ever get back to his studies and figure it out in time? Tune in next week for the next episode: "Wham, Bam, Thank You Exam, or A Mine is a Terrible Thing to Waste"





Update: Spoiler Alert! Comments section contains spoilers.
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Step by Step, Day by Day... [Apr. 6th, 2009|11:30 pm]
Today I learned that April has been designated the 7th Annual Take the Stairs Month at Georgetown Law. This is probably fitting as it is also the month that sees various other important uses of legs, including the Boston and London marathons, the opening day of Major League Baseball, and people running as fast as humanly possible to the Post Office to mail hastily filled out tax returns and, subsequently, from the Internal Revenue Service to avoid the penalties for misfiling.

I am also impressed that Take the Stairs month was declared six months apart from its polar opposite, Disabilities Awareness Month. Unfortunately, not every school is as smart as Georgetown, and Oklahoma City Community College managed to make their Take the Stairs Month take place in October, which is the aforementioned Disabilities Awareness Month. Bit of a punch in the gut to the disabled there, I think.

Anyway, I also learned that Take the Stairs Month was inspired by a Center for Disease control, the governmental organization tasked with preserving public health in the U.S. Apparently the CDC launched the Stairwell Initiative Program in 2001. Yes, the federal government has an "initiative" devoted to convincing people to take the stairs. Part of the initiative included hanging art in the stairwell and painting stairwell's bright colors in order to encourage people to use them. Personally, if I wanted everyone to use the stairs, I would just shut off the power to the elevator, thereby eliminating the need to buy art and interior paint (plus paying union rates for painters) while also saving the tax payers a bundle on elevator electricity.

This also not the only government initiative designed to promote the use of stairs. The CDC scientist who is responsible for overseeing the stairs fanaticism through obesity control programs is named Dr. Dietz. That's right, Dr. Dietz is responsible for making sure America doesn't kill itself by being too fat. If I ever meet him, my only question will be whether he was pressured into taking his job, or if it was always a forgone conclusion that Dietz would be America's solution to fat.

Of course, as president of the W. Howard Taft Fan Club (briefly the Fat Panthers), the nation's premiere fat rights group, I feel it is incumbent on me to make a statement about Take the Stairs Month:

Take the Stairs Month is just another example of the health-centric media and greeting card companies inventing a holiday at the expense of fat people. Holidays can be especially trying for the fat, particularly days such as Christmas, which misappropriates our image and culture for commercial purposes, and Thanksgiving, which leads us to believe, quite falsely, that society approves of our eating habits.
Take the Stairs Month is just the latest in this series, convincing people to take the stairs, using fat people as the "boogie-man" to scare people into fitness. The Taft Fan Club recognizes the value of stairs as a valid alternative to elevators and escalators. In cases of fire or power outages stairs allow people to move about the various levels of buildings with greater ease than ladders or climbing ropes. Similarly, asbestos insulation will stop one's pipes from bursting during a cold snap, and may be a good temporary solution, but I do not think anyone would support a Refit Your House with Asbestos Month. Let's leave the stairs where they belong: behind a door with one small window at the end of a hall past the elevator machine room in a wing of the building no one ever goes to. If we can live without stairs awareness for 11 months of the year, why not let them lie for the other month? I say America can, and must, resist the urge to take the stairs, lest they be crowded when a real emergency occurs.




^ Stairs: Reason for the Season, or tool of discrimination?
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Welcome [Back] to the Machine [Apr. 2nd, 2009|09:37 am]
I realize it has been quite a while since I last updated. I plan to correct that now.

There has been a lot of political stuff on this blog as of late, and I had planned to move away from it, but being in D.C. has made politics an important part of my daily life, and frankly I have always been fascinated, and usually disgusted, by the process of wielding power, and so, at least for today, there will be politics on this blog.

The G-20 summit kicked off this week in London, and based on photos on CNN.com it appears that the leaders of the world have forgotten that this is an economic summit, not spring break. I think this photo pretty much sums up the problem:



Berlusconi looks tanked and it is not even the first round of working groups yet. I can only imagine that at some point in the past two days, he has stood on a balcony with a red solo cup in each hand and yelled "Whoo! Global economic policy!"

In theory, the summit is discussing solutions to the global economic crisis. I am beginning to think that they are planning to help us by having Howie Mandel host a special episode of Multilateral Trade Concession or No Multilateral Trade Concession. At least that is what this photo suggests:




One of these world leaders has a most favored nation agreement. The other leaders have bound tariff rates between 10 and 100 percent. Choose wisely.

Finally, President and Mrs. Obama met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh yesterday. As tradition mandates, the heads of state exchanged gifts. The Queen and the Prince gave Obama a signed photo of themselves, which is the traditional gift of U.K. monarchs to visiting dignitaries. The President gave Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith... a Video iPod.

Perhaps the economic slow down is worse than I had thought but I am pretty sure that the monarch of Great Britain, Canada, Australia, Belize, and Barbados, The Duke of Normandy and, apparently, Admiral of Nebraska, can afford an iPod, and if she doesn't already have one, she probably never wanted one.

To make matters even better, the iPod contained 40 songs from a best of Broadway collection, naturally including pieces performed by Julie Andrews, Barbara Streisand, Liza Minnelli, Aretha Franklin. Of course, the list is completed with "Seasons of Love" from RENT. I think perhaps someone forgot to brief the leader of the free world that in this context, queen was being used to refer to a reigning female monarch.

Hopefully the rest of the G20 summit will be this entertaining.
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And Winner Is... [Feb. 23rd, 2009|01:24 am]
I am, for better or worse, the Opinions Editor of the Georgetown Law Weekly newspaper. As a result, I get to write a lot of opinion columns. This is the special extended director's cut of my column for this week, with content exclusive to my blog:

On Sunday, these United States, and much of the rest of the world, got treated to the Oscars, or the Academy Awards as they are more formally known. By the time you read this you will already know who won and therefore I will not tell you here. However, watching the world's "best" actors and actresses receive gold statues made me wonder what it would be like if there were awards for people who made the news in the past year. In this spirit I humbly submit the winners, and some also-rans, of the 2008 Academy of Political-Economic Arts and Sciences Awards.

Best Sound Editing: Republican National Committee
The RNC edited enough sound bites to make the American people think that John McCain was a conservative icon and that Sarah Palin cared about the environment and government reform. Truly there has not been such an excellent example of mastery in this category since President Bill Clinton managed to make "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and a video taped confession to the act sound like the same thing.

Best Art Direction: Democratic National Committee
Do we all remember the scene at INVESCO Field when Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination to be President of the United States? The Greek columns were enough to make us wonder whether he had actually descended from Olympus to rule for four to eight years before being taken back again on a cloud or the wings of a griffin. None of that would have been possible without the DNC's meticulous artistic direction. It should also be noted that this is the most significant win in this category since the Department of the Navy's sweep of the technical categories in 2003 for President Bush's speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, in which we were assured that the mission was accomplished and the major hostilities in Iraq were over.

Best Drama: South Ossetia (Georgia-Russia) War
This nine day conflict in August 2008 was a major turning point for U.S.-Russian relations, pitting the steel-cold performance of Vladimir Putin against George W. Bush in one of the better dramatic performances of his career. It may have also prompted the most wide scale fear of foreign invasion of the United States since the aftermath of Pearl Harbor or at least Orson Welles broadcast of War of the Worlds. Additionally, this war forced millions of Americans to look at a map for the first time in a decade to discover that Tbilisi is about 6300 miles from Atlanta.

Notable Nominee for Best Drama: Canadian Parliamentary Crisis
Just over two weeks into the first heated session of the fortieth Parliament of Canada, an embattled government suspended parliament for six weeks. With an all-star cast including Canadian P.M. Stephen Harper and Queen Elizabeth II, this work was a strong contender for this year's best drama award (as well as Best Foreign Language Performance thanks to Bloc Quebecois), however the Academy could not in good conscience give it the award as most Canadians were more interested in Hockey Night In Canada less than one third of the way through the political standoff.

Best Costume: Muntazer al-Zaidi
This category had seemed like a lock for V.P. candidate Sarah Palin and her $150,000 wardrobe, but a last minute entrant snatched the award by introducing the world to what would soon become the most famous shoes since Dorothy's ruby slippers. Al-Zaidi, a Shi'ite journalist, threw both of his Ramazan Baydan shoes at President Bush at a press conference during a visit to Iraq in December. This incident is notable for two reasons beyond the grave insult to Bush. First, it is the sincere hope of the Academy that Imelda Marcos is not inspired by this event to rekindle a life of political activity. Secondly, al-Zaidi's opportunity to throw two objects at the president before being subdued has officially cost everyone involved with security at the press conference a nomination for best performance in an action sequence.

Best Special Effects: The Federal Reserve
There are very few people who know how the Federal Reserve does what it does, but they do it. Ben Bernanke and his crew of monetary illusionists have been making little green pieces of paper with no intrinsic value seem very convincingly like money. Ever since its founding in 1913, The Fed has been a powerhouse in the production of the magic necessary to make people accept paper in exchange for work. If The Fed chooses to accept their award, the Academy will present them with a paper statue as, according to Fed monetary policy, it is as good, if not better better, than gold.

Best Writing (Adaptation): McCain Campaign 2008
A edgier remake of the original McCain Campaign, Campaign 2008 seemed more cantankerous and lacked much of the middle ground theme that dragged the previous version down. Furthermore, the bold choice to recast McCain as a much older, more politically savvy man that the McCain of 2000 gave this campaign more of a bite. Of course it was nice to see that familiar themes such as the Straight Talk Express and catch-phrases such as "maverick" were seamlessly ported into the new version.

Best Writing (Original): Jeremiah Wright
The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, former pastor to President Obama, was far and away the winner of this category. His sermons boldly challenged the public mindset. Initially shocking, the sermons were part of one of the best comedic projects of the century and garner laughs once people realize they are not meant to be taken seriously... I mean, no one seriously thinks any of those things are true right? RIGHT? WRIGHT!!!

Lifetime Achievement Award: Henry "Hank" Paulson
A former CEO of the Goldman Sachs investment bank, the capstone achievement of Paulson's career as Treasury Secretary was presiding over the beginning of an economic collapse caused by years of mismanagement and irrational practices by investment banks, like Goldman Sachs. It is not very often that someone will best be known for trying to fix their own mess.

Now that we are done with the technical awards, we'll move on to the awards for acting.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Joe Biden
The end of the Bush era led many to speculate about a White House devoid of humor. While it is certain that the executive branch will be churning out less of the side splitting material we have seen in the past eight years, the ever considerate President Obama did throw us a bone in the form of Vice-President Joe Biden. The well known comic reliever has provided us with laughs since his speeches as a primary contender. Biden truly is the Jerry Lewis to Obama's Dean Martin.

Notable Nominee for Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Bill Clinton
Former President Clinton received a nomination for his valiant attempts not to undermine his own party's chances of winning the presidency. Even though it required him to speak well of the man who many believed unfairly maligned his wife as a shrew and at times even a racist, the nations "first black president" did his part to elect the nations first African-American president. It is not surprising that he was repaid by having his wife appointed to a job that requires her to be out of the country a lot. The Academy hopes that Slick Willie remembers where his little black book is.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Sarah Palin
It is not surprising that Sarah Palin was a nominee in many categories for these awards, however it remains amazing that she was actually a nominee for Vice-President of the United States. The Alaska governor did, however, do exactly what she was supposed to: she made people stop talking about Barack Obama and focus on the McCain campaign. In retrospect, the campaign might have liked a little less attention. She also overcame the media's initial unfair portrayal of her as a cute, folksy, small-town beauty queen turned politician. Palin made the world see her as a gun-toting lunatic with no grasp on reality. Luckily for all of us, she can still see Russia from her house.

Notable Nominee for Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Tina Fey
Ms. Fey played a pivotal role by portraying the winner of this category on Saturday Night Live. Fey may be actually be personally responsible for ending the nation's love affair with the beauty-queen V.P. in time for the November election. She even played Palin along side the actual John McCain the weekend before the vote in one of the best McCain/Palin joint appearances of the campaign.

Best Actress in a Lead Role: Hilary Rodham Clinton
After a year and half run for president, many thought that Clinton's best days were behind her when she lost the nomination to be her party's candidate. Yet by using the her best assets, and apparently $6 million of other people's assets, she was able to leverage her crushing fall from front runner status into the office of Secretary of State. She may not have made political history by being the first female president, but she may have made political history by being the first politician to survive an endorsement by Geraldine Ferraro.

Best Actor in a Lead Role: Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States
The man overcame hundreds of years of racial prejudice, endless commentary regarding his inexperience in politics, and an ad libbing Chief Justice to become President. What else can we say?

The Academy of Political-Economic Arts and Sciences hopes you have enjoyed this years awards and hopes there is still politics and an economy to honor by this time next year.
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The problem is all inside your head, she said to me. The answer's easy if you take it logically... [Feb. 9th, 2009|08:43 pm]
I am currently watching President Obama's prime time press conference about the economy. I haven't really been paying to much attention but I am pretty sure the following exchange occurred:

(cue weird dream/memory sequence music)
Location: White House Press Conference Room

Reporter 1: Mr. President, the Recession recently said, and I quote, "the President and Secretary [Timothy] Geithner don't have what it takes to beat me. I took on Bush, Bush's father, Carter, Hoover and that's just in the U.S. I am not afraid of Barack or Tim, and I will face them anytime, anywhere." Mr. President, what do you make of these remarks?

President Obama: Secretary Geithner and I are ready to go up against the Recession. We have trained hard and we don't think the Recession, or Inflation, has the stones to beat us. I hope the Recession is listening and hears me say this: if you want to talk smack in my house, you better be ready to bring the heat. I will see you in the Octagon tomorrow night!

Reporter 2: What do you make of Republican accusations that your proposed stimulus package is nothing more than a folding chair that will be used to hit the Recession over the head, distracting the audience but doing little to actually solve the problem?

President Obama: That is nonsense. This stimulus package also includes significant investments in plate glass windows for me to throw the Recession through, several bottles to break over its head, a complete overhaul of the highway and rail systems of the United States so that a record number of fans can get to the Octagon to witness Economy Rumble 2009, as well as a $29.95 tax credit for every household who orders the fight over digital pay-per-view.

Reporter 3: Mr. President, some fans are concerned that you may have been exhausted and weakened by your recent title fight with John "The Maverick" McCain. What do you have to say about this?

President Obama (ripping off his suit jacket and shirt and flexing his muscles): Do these look exhausted and weak? (the President then punches through the podium) I am ready for this. America is ready for this. The Recession thinks it is ready for this, but I am going to tear it apart! TOMORROW NIGHT, BE THERE!

Reporters (clamoring): One more question Mr. President... Mr. President...

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs (ushering the President into the Oval Office): The President has said all he will say tonight. If you want to know more about his recovery plan, you will have to watch the fight.

(end sequence)

So that was really just a long introduction to my main point: who thought it was a good idea to call the current legislation designed to rescue the economy the "stimulus package"?

This does not sound like a government plan. Actually, the stimulus package sounds like a premium cable service that allows one to watch the channels that are normally scrambled or like a sample pack from Enzyte. Of course, after comparing these photos, maybe there is more to this than meets the eye:


(Smiling Bob, Enzyte Mascot)


(Timothy Geithner, 75th Secretary of the U.S. Treasury)

Nonetheless, if our economy needs stimulus to make it attractive, this means only one thing: the United States economy is no longer the sexy, virile economy it was ten years ago. In fact, it may have been relegated to the role of some other economy's funny friend that has the good personality. This is unacceptable. The United States has been the Ohio State frat boy of economies since 1945 and the possibility of having to live in the financial aide dorm now is simply unthinkable.

Furthermore, I would like to draw attention the United States' supposed best bro and wing-man, Canada. C, where were you, dude? You were supposed to find some European economies and introduce us to them. We can't do this on our own. Sure, on the surface the United States appears exceptionalist and arrogant, but you know we're actually shy deep down and have a hard time talking to other countries, especially those with a divergent agricultural policy. Everyone knows that Canada is way better at chatting up Europe than we are. I thought we were friends C. I mean, we hooked you up with NATO with after you broke up with England, and we invited you to NAFTA, even though that meant we had to do everything in English, Spanish, AND French. We even showed up when you hosted that lame G8 conference in 2001. You owed us one. Next time, maybe we will go to spring break with Mexico. They said they could hook us up with Latin America. It's no Europe, but its better than not getting any.
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